Our sweet baby is really struggling right now.

While watching the "Big Bird Goes to China" DVD, Ethan decided to begin round two of questioning about his background. I have to tell you that I am pretty shocked that our happy go lucky little guy is the one that is looking for so much clarification at such a tender age.

I am not going to go into the whole conversation again but it started with some questions about being a baby in China and where he lived. That led us to him asking about the mommy who had him in her tummy. He was really quite probing during this line of questioning and he was very upset with this conversation. He was quite concerned about the fact that there was someone who brought him to the baby house (orphanage) and left him there. I explained it was because he was so ill and that they knew that he needed to make sure that he got the help that he needed and a family that would love him forever. He was really stuck on this and it made him feel so vulnerable. This just broke my heart. He then asked me if we would take him to a baby house and how long he would be with us. I explained that he would NEVER again be in a baby house and that he had a mommy, daddy, sister and brother forever! He wanted to know what would happen when he grew up and I told him that he would be a grown up like mommy and daddy and that he would probably have his own family...wrong answer! He was so upset by the fact that he may not always have us so I told him that he would always be with us as long as that is what HE wanted. He then kept hugging me and saying "I love you...Wo ai ni"...over and over and over. He had been listening to the "Wo ai ni" song in the movie, so I am sure that is why he was using the Chinese phrase for "I love you" during his admonition of love.

We held onto each other for a long time and then he pulled away and finished the movie. I was completely humbled by this little boy who is obviously dealing with some pre-verbal pain that he needs to address in his own way.

Tonight, again he started talking about the same subject at dinner but in much less detail. This discussion passed pretty quickly. It all seems to be just under the surface right now.

Finally, we put the DD to bed and we settled in for the night, once again Ethan came out to speak to us and he was in tears. He was crying about not having dessert tonight which he lost due to not eating his dinner. We spoke about why he did not get dessert and he still seemed very upset. I asked him what was really bothering him. Ethan never comes out like that and he almost always falls asleep within a few minutes of being tucked in. He sobbed that he always wants to live with us and that he really loves me and he is going to marry me. We told him that he was always going to be our son and that we are never going to leave him. He calmed down again. We talked for awhile about things that would lighten his mood and I tucked him back in.

The fact that he was 2 1/2 years old when he was adopted and 6 months old at abandonment certainly factors into the very real pain that he is dealing with. I think he has some vague memories as well as imprinted pain that he cannot really process. Katie may have dealt with a great deal of her pain the first year that she was home during a very tough attachment phase.

For now, we will just take it a day at a time and address the questions as simply and openly as possible. We are also open to asking for professional help if we see that his struggle is greater than we are equipped to handle. We will do whatever it takes to help him along this painful journey.

I know that I am probably rambling on but I wanted to document it quickly. Our day was a bit stressful for some other reasons but I needed to get this on the blog, which is the journal of our journey through this life together as a forever family.