Friday, July 16, 2010

Searching for answers

I picked up Katie from camp first today and as we were driving to pick up Ethan the discussion of babies came up again. Initially, it focused on a set of twins that are in Katie's camp and the fact that they were in their mommy's tummy at the same time, as Katie pointed out to me. She then said that it "must have been pretty crowded in their mommy's tummy!" I agreed with her. She then added "It was not crowded in your tummy Mommy, since it was just me in there." I reminded her (with a lump in my throat) that she was not in my tummy...she was in another lady's tummy in China.

"Who is that lady mommy?"

"I am not sure Katie but I think she was a very wonderful lady since she was the one that gave you your life."

"Why didn't she want a baby, she must not have wanted a baby right mommy?? Why didn't she keep me?" She did not sound upset; she just sounded curious.

"Katie, things are much different in China than they are in the United States and for some reason that I do not know, she could not keep you."

"Why couldn't she keep a baby? Why are things different in China?"

"There are many reasons...life is very hard in some parts of China and it is very hard for some people to keep their babies."

"Why is it hard there?"

"It is hard because of many reasons. It is hard for people to be able to feed their children and buy clothes for them in addition to taking care of them properly. There are many reasons why it is hard but I know in my heart that she cared very much for you. She made sure that you were born and then she found a safe place to bring you to until we could come and get you. Then a wonderful foster family took care of you until Mommy, Daddy and Justin could come and get you. Remember I told you that Mommy and Daddy adopted you and we wanted you so much? We asked the officials in China if we could come and bring you home so that we could be a family forever. You and your brothers are our life and we held you in our hearts until you came home."

"Then you adopted Ethan and I came with you to get him....you love us so much!!"

"Oh yes, more than you can ever imagine...."

and then she changed to subject...she had enough for now; probably more than enough.

Another step on the road to realization.......sigh.....

11 comments:

dawn said...

I know we all have these conversations but they make me cry when I read them. Katie will understand it all with you walking by her side.
Hugs, sweet friend.

Tammie said...

You handled it beautifully Lori. I have to admit that I had a lump in my throat too.

Michelle said...

Oh Lori - WOW what a conversation! You handled it perfectly. I give you so much credit for not crying.

DawnS said...

These conversations are so heart wrenching aren't they? You handled it perfectly. We have a lot of these ahead of us... just keep breathing - at least that's what I tell myself :)

Love Letters To China said...

You are such a strong and loving woman. I truly look up to you and the way you handle yourself in difficult situations. Your children are very lucky to have you as a mom. The words you spoke today were exactly the words your daughter needed to hear. I too had a lump in my throat reading this post. I just hope the same amazing words escape my mouth when the time comes my son asks the same questions.

Hugs....

Fliss and Mike Adventures said...

Love it

Teresa said...

Katie has such an old soul. What an amazing girl. You handled it terrific.

The birds and the bees talk should be a cinch after these talks.....

Kelley said...

Thanks for sharing the conversation...we're going through a lot of this now. Good friend is pregnant and we're on our way to China very soon. So there's a lot of comparison/contrast...

The biggest thing you're doing for Katie Starr is maintaining open communication. There'll be lots of tough conversations...but how very wonderful that you're having them! And Lori, you are so smart to give her just what she needs, and no more. Keep up the terrific work!!!

Vivian M said...

I wish I could say it gets easier, but it doesn't. I think you handled it very well.

Gail said...

Grace is a few years older than Katie, but it was right about at age 5 that she had some of these questions too. You handled it perfectly Lori and I would expect no less from you. :)

Donna said...

We have conversations like this pretty often since both of our girls just turned six. I noticed that you didn't call the woman who carried the baby in her tummy a "mommy". I'm careful not to do that too since I think it would only cloud the discussions at this very early stage. Of course, when they're old enough to understand all of the biology involved in pregnancy, they'll understand that the other woman was also their mother.

Maddy is always curious about how small she was when we adopted her. We have a wall chart that shows her height and I've also showed her (on the chart) how tall she was when she was born. Since she was premature, she was pretty small! This always intrigues her! We have newborn photos of her but not Gwen. Gwen doesn't really seem to care at all about any of this stuff yet. But it's always an open and ongoing conversation around here.

You've had some heavy stuff in your life lately! I hope the stresses calm down and everything has a good resolution!

:::hugs:::
Donna
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